;_;

dunno how to properly describe this but here’s a kind of sticky sweat smell that is different from regular sweat or body odour smell. the only time I’ve ever noticed is after sex stuff. it’s kind of oversweet, it reminds me of feeling happy, I guess. anyway, for some reason I smell like it right now and I’ve never had it in a nonsexual situation and it’s kinda weird and cool I guess.

princesscobwebs:

have a ton to look forward to coming up soon but man I feel down. getting harder to not present as how I want to every day like damn what the fck why is this like this? I cannot bear to look at myself.

*uses alcohol to cope with constant loneliness every day I have time to think*

I am currently on a real low. it’s been a few weeks now where nothing is good or fun and I hate it. I can only ever cry when I’m feeling like this, and I cry a lot when I’m feeling like this. my throat aches but it isn’t sore, just too tense.

not been here for a while huh? I have almost no sense of moderation and I’m roughly aware of it but I can’t stop. when I’m earning I spend money on food and dumb shit and it’s no good. doesn’t just apply to money, I just consume everything at an uncomfortable rate. food, media, drink, space

this is horrible: every time I look in the mirror I try to imagine how I’d look as a more feminine version of myself or whatever and I hate it. fuck off, Dylan. game over.

shitty: feel sad, lonely. haven’t kissed anybody in a long time. I wanna make out w/ someone cute. that’s my only wish. just kiss and hold and have someone to play with my hair and make me feel okay. this is so lame I wanna die with embarrassment at my own lame-ass feelings

also separate issue but I’m struggling a lot w/ gender stuff on top of realising I’m going to live and die dissatisfied. can’t look in the mirror. seeing myself makes me wanna cry and tear at my body lol. shoutouts to this.

thinking a lot about death just very shallowly like. I honestly don’t know how I’ll manage to live an entire life the prospect of being in this shitty brain for what like 50-70 more years is terrifying and it makes me feel claustrophobic. I’m definitely not having dangerous thoughts and this isn’t a cry for help I’m just fucked up scared of living for a long time. I don’t really derive a lot of pleasure from anything at all and the only thing I really enjoy is work because I can wholly focus myself on something ordered and understandable that I can make sense of. how do you come to terms with the idea that none of your hobbies make you happy and you’re going to have to live with this for a long time probably?

i’ve been getting really frustrated with Online lately like i really do not feel connected to any part of any online culture or community any more and every time i try and like…get into something? i end up feeling mad because everybody is a giant shitty baby who isn’t respectful or pleasant to interact with. i used to really enjoy a bunch of this stuff but like…nobody respects other people online and i hate it. i don’t feel like i can connect to anything here. i’m placeless and sad and i used to be able to come onto the internet to feel a sense of belonging but now i don’t? i don’t have anything left. i have a single friend who i can always text and nobody else lol

i’ve got a problem at the moment where i seem to develop a stutter at really inopportune times like when i go into the edit suite to ask my boss if I can get a new updated titles animatic and my brain just fucking shuts off and i just make the same sound over and over until the words in my head go straight it’s horrible and i hate it. the editor in there gave me this look of absolute pity and it felt AWFUL :(

lots of thoughts about outness and being queer this week. can’t sleep very well either. I think I feel very disconnected with the wider community because it’s very difficult to be A Part of it when I am not outwardly presenting as femme (almost always) but like…I understand why this is how it is? but then on the other hand I hate it because I have literally two people I feel comfortable talking about gender stuff with and the rest of the time I am too fked up scared to present? it’s hard and I wish there was an easy solution but I can’t really think of one. any help/advice would be nice.

read a bunch of communications from my earliest romantic relationship a few days ago and man I didn’t realise how much I missed being close to someone like it’s not fair!! I’m so terrified of meeting people!! I wanna die!‘

I have this horrible recurring dream where I live in this house that’s similar to my house only there’s a stairway down the entire back that leads to to top floor, there are no electrics in the house and the stairway doesn’t have a door. usually we have one weapon between the family, and we have to defend the house against a series of other people with weapons. all melee, mostly swords and daggers. it’s terrifying.